How do you deal with breaking up….with a friend?
I was recently sent some messages by some lovely ladies. They asked if I can give some advice on ending toxic friendships. I love the feedback I am getting, and that people are reaching out with things they would like me to discuss. I was so happy to write this piece to put out there for these ladies!
Just like relationships with significant others, relationships with friends can also come to an end. Sometimes it is not something happened that was terrible, but people grow apart, and people change. Navigating the ending of a friendship seems almost tougher to deal with than the ending of a relationship. With a romantic partner, the breakup seems more straightforward. With a friendship, it can really be a sticky situation that is awkward, uncomfortable, & even painful.
As women get older they may see their circles of friends change, & usually get smaller. Having children, careers, marriages, etc can mean less time for your friendships. Having the time to give your best to a friendship takes work & effort. This is something we aren’t always conscious of as we are so busy with our day-to-day lives.
I have had experiences in the last few years with friendships that I did not see coming. Thinking I had my friendships were pretty much set and stable. I had new, supportive, really awesome friends I made upon moving to NJ & becoming a mother, as well as my older friendships that I had had for a while. I started observing behavior geared toward myself & my family that was not appropriate, & was hurtful. I was at a point in my life where I was trying to conceive a second child, & just finding out a cousin of mine who is like a BFF had stage 4 metastasized breast cancer. The cancer was also in her blood & bone, BUT happy to report she is almost 3 years in remission. At this time there was no care about my emotions, my cousin, my family, nothing. Knowing very well that the people in question were kind of horrible to others around them, but still shocked because it was never directed at ME. I never focused on it because it didn’t affect me at the time. That was a mistake. Once you see how people treat others & how they talk about others in front of you, NEVER THINK IT WONT HAPPEN TO YOU TOO! I started to realize how unhealthy these friendships were becoming & decided I was going to walk away. I didn’t want my young daughters to see me be around people & call them “friends”, who really didn’t care for me & that have her think that was how friendships work!
I tried to save the friendship a few times but it got me nowhere. I knew that it was not going to work. Walking away from the toxic friendships cost me one that I will miss always but sometimes thats how it has to be. I had to lose one of my closest friends in the world because of the people around her who were toxic to me, & that couldn’t be helped.
There are times when friendships end for a clearcut reason. Things like being caught talking behind someones back & being found out. Maybe something related to your children, or money, or men. Sometimes other reasons that are very clear that a friendship wouldn’t be fixable after something takes place.
Sometimes it isn’t so black & white. Sometimes people drift apart, move away, and you slowly stop speaking as much or seeing each other as frequently. In these situations you may not even realize until some time has passed that your friendship has changed. These are more gray. Nothing has “happened” to declare the friendship over but the friendship is not the same as it was.
For sure by the time I was in my 30s, I thought that my friends would be SET. I do finally feel like that now. I truly love my friends now, & am so grateful for them. We all understand how busy we all are. Prioritizing each other to make time for girls nights, date nights, play dates is how we make sure we stay connected! We understand that we may not speak every single day. When we hang out its the best times ever, making so many fun memories.
You cannot predict the future, & the friendships I have now may change over time. For right now I am enjoying every single one of my friends & the joy they bring to my me & my family. I miss certain friends I don’t have friendships with anymore. BUT, everything happens for a reason. It is never okay to tolerate toxic behavior from a “friend.” Your friends should always be your biggest cheerleaders, & should want to see you be happy. Do not be afraid to walk away from any friendship that feels more like “work.” Life is too short for bad friends!
